Sunday, 21 November 2010

Overheard at Borough Market

-         Carrots seem so uptight.
-         Is that why they crunch?
-         Maybe, but cucumbers crunch, and they’re as laidback as they come.
-         Cool as.
-         Exactly. And what’s with courgettes? So grumpy.
-         Your vegetable perceptions seem very negative.
-         Not at all. Think of the butternut squash: generous, expansive, amiable. And the potato, which can make anyone feel at home without even trying.
-         Right.
-         I’ve never been able to make out avocados though. What’s your take?
-         How long do we have to play this game for?
-         Come on. You eat more salad than I do. I need your avocado assessment.
-         Can’t you just let them be enigmatic?
-         That’s it! Enigmatic. Charles, you’re good at this.
-         I didn’t mean to be.
-         Maybe you have a kind of vegetable character judgement synaesthesia going on. You didn’t even have to try. Do red onions next.
-         Synaesthesia?
-         Overlapping sense perceptions. You get coloured numbers, or scented emotions. Or in your case, vegetable personalities.
-         You started this, not me.
-         But it takes me ages, I have to really focus. Set aside my flavour preferences and so on.
-         Alright then. Test me.
-         Radish.
-         Cheeky.
-         Nice. Aubergine.
-         Misunderstood.
-         Cauliflower?
-         Conservative. Small ‘c’.
-         I never thought of political allegiances.
-         Probably a dead end. Doesn’t it put you off?
-         What?
-         I mean, do you still want to eat courgettes now you know that they’re grumpy? What if something really tasty, like a banana, turned out to be an amoral psycho killer?
-         You don’t absorb a vegetable’s attributes when you eat it. That’s a ridiculous thing to think, Charles. Especially once they’re cooked.
-         Yes, I am clearly the crazy one here. I do beg your pardon.
-         Anyway, bananas aren’t amoral. They’re actually quite conventional, but they don’t take themselves too seriously.
-         That’s alright then. Do you want some of mine?
-         No thanks. Are you really going to eat that?
-         Another sad loss to the organic community in London today, when a banana was skinned alive and devoured in a local market.
-         It’s not alive.
-         It’s not dead either. Yet. How long does it take your digestive enzymes to completely break down plant matter?
-         Stop it.
-         But I’m hungry.
-         It’s not even fully ripe. Give it a chance.
-         That’s how I like them. Young, fresh, firm of flesh.
-         You’re disgusting.
-         This one was going to go off the rails anyway. Not enough stability early on, left home too soon. The usual depressing story.
-         We could rehabilitate him. I’ve got some red apples in my fruit bowl that have a lot of love to give.
-         Don’t you know what happens to other fruit when you put a banana in with them? They ripen faster. You’d be shortening the lives of those apples. They’d be facing wrinkles, pulpy bodies, and an early death.
-         So it’s them or the banana? This is terrible.
-         Think of me as your apple-preserver.
-         Okay. But don’t make me watch.


  1. Just in time - thought you might miss the post today.

    I liked:

    Come on. You eat more salad than I do. I need your avocado assessment.
    - Can’t you just let them be enigmatic?
    - That’s it! Enigmatic. Charles, you’re good at this.

  2. Zoe, this was great...

    If I were to be something in the food family, a red, luscious and juicy tomato...the one everyone thinks is a vegetable but is, in reality, a fruit...

  3. Ha ha ha. "Your vegetable perception seems very negative." x

  4. I wanted to be a tomatoe too - but turned out a tree.
    Is it just me or are those artichokes playing hard to get?

  5. Spot on with the artichokes. Are you in fact Charles, I wonder?